Wei Ying barely remembered the funeral. The days passed and they felt nothing more than empty shells of a week. When they returned back home to Yunmeng, they were not greeted by the sounds of an argument that refused to end; they were greeted by silence. Wei Ying did not realise how much he hated silence until that moment.

He remembered walking through the rooms, staring at the walls that lacked a family portrait, anything to show who lived together in this large house. He remembered seeing all of the gifts Uncle Jiang gave his wife, carelessly left on tables or shelves where they could fit and never be touched again. He remembered the dining table they never sat around, not as a family, not ever. He remembered the house he lived in for all these years, the home he never thought of as a home before it was too late.

It wasn't perfect, and it never had been. It wasn't supposed to be perfect. Wei Ying needed a place to belong, and it was only then, when he missed Uncle Jiang's smile and the lavender incense sticks Aunt Yu used to light up, that he realised he should have called this place a home much, much sooner.

He recovered fast. According to the doctors, it was a miracle he was even alive at all. The collision between the cars should have crushed him as well, but he was left with only a head and leg injury. Wei Ying couldn't even be thankful. How could he? How could he appreciate his survival, when it came at the cost of other people's lives? How could he live with that?

Part of him wished he died instead of them. Deep down, he wondered if Jiang Cheng thought the same.

The funeral did not feel right. He stood there, listening to the prayers, hearing nothing but the sound of swerving cars and crushing metal. There were people crying around him, but the sight of Yanli sobbing into Jin Zixuan's chest was probably the worst. Wei Ying swallowed the lump in his throat and looked away, unable to shed tears of his own. Jin Ling was here too, cradled by Jin Zixuan's mother. It didn't seem right for a one year old baby to be surrounded by so much grief.

Jin Zixuan and Jiejie were supposed to be getting married next month. Was that even going to still happen? Had Wei Ying ruined that as well?

His mother's voice rang in his head. Never let anyone get rid of your smile.

How could he smile now?

They laid Uncle Jiang's and Aunt Yu's remains and buried them beside each other. As they disappeared into the earth, Wei Ying could not help but think of their life, spending every waking day questioning their marriage. He wondered if they would be at peace, wherever they were now. He wondered if they would appreciate being buried together.

He wondered if they hated him.

As the funeral finished, they returned to their empty home. Jiang Cheng, who had not said anything for the whole day, retired to his parents' room and did not leave for the rest of the evening.

“Give him time,” Jiejie told Wei Ying. Her smile was still there, attempting to comfort him as usual. He didn't think he deserved it.

Wei Ying shook his head. “He's right though. It's my fault.”

“A-Ying, no. What happened was an accident. A-Cheng... A-Cheng knows that too. Deep down, he knows that.”

She walked over to him, gently grasping his hands into hers. At eighteen, he now towered over her, his hands larger, rougher, and still Wei Ying shrunk into himself and refused to look into her eyes. She raised a hand to stroke his cheek, wiping away tears he did not let out.

“You and I both know what he's like when he's upset. He says things he doesn't mean.”

Wei Ying did not say anything. He feared that if he did, he would start crying.

Another hand grasped his face. Jiejie stroked his hair through her fingers, pulling him into her arms. She was warm. Wei Ying breathed in the smell of lotus and lavender and it was almost enough to get him to start crying. Home, it smelt like. A home he wanted to have back.

“Listen to me, A-Ying. What happened was a tragic accident. It was no one's fault. A-Cheng will need some time, but he doesn't hate you. He can never hate you.”

Wei Ying closed his eyes. He listened to the steady sound of her heartbeat, repeating her words over and over, wishing he could believe them.

 

- x -

 

As he dreaded and expected, Jiejie cancelled her wedding. She continued to try and be strong for her brothers, but even she needed time to mourn her parents. To his credit, it was Jin Zixuan who actually insisted they move the wedding back, telling his fiancée he would wait forever for her if he had to. If Wei Ying had been younger and more naïve, he would have blanched at such a cliché line, maybe even laughed. Now, he was only glad Yanli had someone who could comfort her at a time like this.

Yanli moved in with Jin Zixuan. Their house back in Yunmeng was now empty with all three siblings refusing to set foot in it, not with the wounds still aching from their loss.

It was difficult to focus on his studies after the accident. Too many times, Wei Ying contemplated dropping out of university but he couldn't do it. Uncle Jiang's disappointed face haunted him every time the thought crossed his mind. He would want him to continue with his courses, to attempt the impossible, as he would always say.

Easier said than done. Wei Ying hated every single day he spent in Gusu University. He barely spoke to Jiang Cheng, who was determined to ignore reality and focus on perfecting his grades instead. Although they still continued to share dorms, Wei Ying rarely saw the other man throughout the remainder of their first year. If he did, it would be filled with a painful silence that only reminded him more of what he had done to tear this family apart.

By the time it was their second year in university, there was an unspoken agreement between them that they wouldn't be sharing accommodation anymore. Jiang Cheng moved into a flat of his own, while Wei Ying shared an apartment with another student from his course. He didn't care who he ended up with. As long as he got his degree and left this university, he wouldn't have minded if he was paired up with the biggest jerk in the world.

Luckily, he wasn't paired up with a jerk at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

“H-Hello. I... I think I'm sharing apartments with you.”

His new roommate spoke as if he expected Wei Ying to suddenly attack him. He had short brown hair, and there was a strand by his forehead that didn't look like it wanted to join either side of his parting. Wei Ying could relate to the troubles of having hair that didn't obey his commands; he'd long given up on brushing his, simply saying he was going for a permanent bed hair style when, really, he was just a lazy shit.

“Yeah, I think we are,” Wei Ying said, smiling. “I'm Wei Ying. Nice to meet you. I hope you can cook.”

His new roommate's eyes widened. They were a pretty shade of green, the type that reminded him of Uncle Jiang's garden back home. “I'm Wen Ning... and my Jiejie says I'm a good cook, b-but I don't know if she's just saying that.”

Wei Ying patted him on the back, holding in another smile as he felt the other man stiffen under his touch. He gently pushed him inside their new apartment.

“Sounds good enough for me,” he said.

Wen Ning was easy to get along with. He was quiet, which Wei Ying didn't mind at all. It meant he didn't ask questions whenever Wei Ying woke up in the middle of the night, screaming and panting because of a nightmare that refused to leave him. As soon as he woke up, Wei Ying would only find breakfast already made for him, along with a cup of hot chocolate. He never questioned it, but he knew it was Wen Ning's way of comforting him in his own shy way. He was sweet like that; never daring to ask any personal details but always trying to help you in any way he could.

Unfortunately, no amount of hot chocolate could chase away the nightmares. Wei Ying found himself drinking more alcohol, not because he enjoyed it, but because it helped to forget the memory of being crushed under that wreckage. If he fell asleep to the feeling of wine or vodka poisoning his head, he could be saved from the nightmares that plagued him sober. Uncle Jiang and Aunt Yu wouldn't visit him in his sleep, blaming him for their deaths, asking why, why they were buried together when they hated every living moment they spent under the same roof.

No matter how many empty bottles were left discarded by Wei Ying's bed, Wen Ning never asked any questions. The concern in his eyes was loud enough.

“Wen Ning, are you single?” Wei Ying asked one day, drunkenly laying his head on his roommate's shoulder. He chuckled upon hearing the timid mad stutter at his question.

“Y-Yes,” Wen Ning said. “Why?”

Wei Ying shook his head, reaching for the bottle of wine. He took another swig, all too aware of Wen Ning's eyes following his every move. It was evening now and both of them already finished dinner. As always, Wei Ying spent the evenings drinking until he passed out, saying it was the only way he could fall asleep. Wen Ning would stay awake, studying or reading a book. Secretly, Wei Ying thought he only stayed awake just to make sure nothing bad happened while all the alcohol was out.

“Nothing, just wondering. You're cute and all, so I expected you to have a girlfriend or something.”

Of course, Wen Ning blushed at that. He shook his head again, staring at the cup of tea in his hands. “How about you?” he asked.

Wei Ying shrugged. “Single, obviously. Who'd want to date me?”

In all honesty, the idea of dating anyone went out the window ever since the accident. It didn't seem right to be focusing on trivial things like that. He wouldn't allow himself to enjoy life, not when it came at the cost of losing those he loved. Wei Ying knew it was a dumb reason, that Uncle Jiang would want him to carry on and be happy instead, but he couldn't shake it off. Every time he found himself laughing, he'd remember Jiang Cheng screaming at him in the hospital, Jiejie crying in Jin Zixuan's arms. He did that. How was he supposed to forget it?

“A lot of people,” Wen Ning said. “You're smart, funny... attractive—”

Wei Ying threw his head back, laughing. “Are you confessing to me?”

If Wen Ning's face was red before, he was practically purple now. “N-No!”

“I'm kidding, I'm kidding,” Wei Ying's laugh trailed off into a sigh. “I don't care for stuff like that. I don't need anyone.”

“No one?”

Wei Ying nodded.

His past daydreams about meeting the love of his life stayed as nothing but daydreams. He couldn't see himself indulging in stuff like that—and anyway, he barely went out to meet new people these days. All he did was go to his lessons, study, drink at home, sleep. The enthusiasm he had for partying and socialising was long gone.

Yawning, Wei Ying got up and stretched his arms. It was almost ten PM. He considered that late enough to try and get some sleep. As he was about to make his way for his bedroom, there was a knock on the door that stopped him right in his tracks. He turned towards it, frowning. He wasn't expecting any visitors tonight.

He looked at Wen Ning, who also shook his head.

Wei Ying shrugged and went over to open the door. His eyebrows raised as soon as he saw who it was. Jiang Cheng was the last person he expected to visit him.

“You,” he said, opening the door further. “What are you doing here?”

As if offended, Jiang Cheng's eyes narrowed. He craned his head, scanning the room behind Wei Ying before settling his gaze on Wen Ning still sat by the couch. For some reason, his face turned even more sour.

“Can't I even visit you?” Jiang Cheng snapped. “I tried calling but you weren't picking up.”

Oh, Wei Ying thought. He always left his phone on silent now, not expecting anyone to want to talk to him.

In the corner of his eyes, he saw Wen Ning scurrying into his bedroom. He didn't blame him. With the way Jiang Cheng was glaring at the poor guy, it was no wonder Wen Ning wanted to hide away instead of stay here.

“Sorry, it was on silent,” Wei Ying said, letting him inside. “I was just about to head to sleep.”

Jiang Cheng continued to look around his apartment. It only occurred to Wei Ying now this was the first time since they lived separately that Jiang Cheng was visiting. They still saw each other around campus, but only exchanged a few greetings, often awkward, before going their different ways. It was odd to see Jiang Cheng here; Wei Ying didn't know how to act around him and he hated it. Since when did things get so strained between the two of them?

Since you killed his parents.

He pushed aside those thoughts and folded his arms, watching Jiang Cheng's gaze land on the discarded wine bottles laying on the floor. As easily as that, his face grew cold.

“After all this time, you're still drinking?” He turned to Wei Ying, hands already clenching into shaking fists. “Have you not learnt? Are you going to insult my parents like this!”

Wei Ying winced. He stared at the countless bottles, remembering the nightmares that would plague him if he didn't drown everything with the bitter taste of alcohol. He struggled to find the right words to tell Jiang Cheng the real reason why he was here, hiding in his apartment instead of visiting him.

“That's not what I'm doing—”

“Then what are you doing, prancing around with other strangers, getting drunk? I barely see you!” Jiang Cheng hissed, throwing out his arm.

Other strangers. Did he mean Wen Ning? Was he angry Wei Ying spent more time with him?

“I thought you didn't want me around,” Wei Ying said. “I thought—”

“So it's my fault?”

“I didn't say that!”

Jiang Cheng was the first to look away. He glared at the bottles again. There was so much resentment in that gaze that Wei Ying knew it was directed towards him.

“It doesn't matter,” Jiang Cheng said. Everything, from his voice to his posture, told Wei Ying it did matter.

There was that thick silence between them again, the same one that Wei Ying had grown to hate for this past year. When was the last time he laughed with Jiang Cheng? When was the last time either of them smiled together?

In the end, no more words were said. Jiang Cheng shook his head and turned for the door, leaving without another glance. Wei Ying, not knowing what else he could do, simply let him.

It was only when he was gone that he realised Jiang Cheng must have visited for a reason, and he never bothered to ask why.

 

- x -

 

Jin Zixuan eventually proposed to Yanli again. Wei Ying was twenty one now, almost done with his engineering degree, although he didn't really have a clue as to what he was going to do by the time he actually finished with university. He'd always hoped life would shape itself as he went along. As the years went by, he was starting to doubt this method was working.

He didn't have Jiang Cheng's goal to be better. At only twenty one, he was following in his father's footsteps to become a police officer. He studied criminology while helping out at the police station, already on good graces with one of the seniors there.

When they were younger, both of them wanted to be just like Uncle Jiang. The thought of fighting crime was a childish dream they'd act out, imagining they were going to work together to beat up villains and gangs. As he grew older, Wei Ying's curious mind took the form of creativity and he began making things instead. They were only little inventions he thought were flimsy and useless but Uncle Jiang praised him endlessly, telling him he would make a great engineer in the future.

He chose this degree to make Uncle Jiang proud. It didn't really matter now that he was gone.

Nevertheless, he was happy for Jiang Cheng's growing success, and he was even happier Jiejie would finally be getting married, even if it was to Jin Zixuan.

That didn't erase his doubts, however. Arriving to the wedding would definitely raise a few eyebrows. After the accident, gossip had morphed the details of the crash so much that Wei Ying forgot how the real thing even happened. They said he was drunk, that it had been his fault Uncle Jiang lost control of the car. Some said he distracted Uncle Jiang, while others even believed it was him driving to begin with. Wei Ying had no energy left to correct them. They were all from Jin Zixuan's side of the family anyway—why should he care what a bunch of stuck up, rich snobs thought about him?

As much as Jin Zixuan tried to dismiss the rumours for the sake of his own fiancée, it didn't change the fact that gossip was gossip. Anyone who wasn't part of it was determined to twist everything.

Wei Ying almost didn't go, not if it was going to make things worse for Jiejie.

On top of being a guilty man who could do nothing right with his life, he was also selfish and weak. He went in the end, only because he couldn't stand to miss what could be the best day of his sister's life. What kind of a brother would he be if he did?

They were holding the tea ceremony in their old home back in Yunmeng, where Jiejie and Jin Zixuan could offer tea to a shrine built for Uncle Jiang and Aunt Yu. The last time Wei Ying set foot in this house, he was mourning his adopted parents. Now, he would be celebrating Jiejie's marriage. He tried his best to keep the smile on his face, though it didn't stop the aching in his heart as he walked through these halls again.

“Thank you for coming, A-Ying,” Jiejie told him when they were alone. He was helping her with her hair, twisting it into braids decorated with golden hairpins and jewels.

“Of course I came,” Wei Ying said, as if he hadn't been thinking of not going. “I wouldn't miss this for the world.”

When they were done, Wei Ying had to hold in a breath at the sight of her. She was a stunning visage in red, her qipao perfectly fitted and adorned with golden patterns. Her hair was twisted up into a bun, various braids coiled and tucked into place. Wei Ying recognised one of the hairpins; it was the jade hairpin Uncle Jiang once gave to Aunt Yu. He bought it specifically for her, thinking it would look beautiful in her hair. Aunt Yu never wore it.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, forcing himself not to look away. It was then that Jiang Cheng decided to enter the room, saving Wei Ying the difficulty in finding any words to say.

Jiang Cheng froze, eyes widening at the sight of his sister.

“A-Jie...” he muttered. “You look beautiful.”

“You do,” Wei Ying added, still struggling to put it into words.

Their sister looked away, shaking her head slightly. “It doesn't count if you two say it. I can't take it seriously.”

Jiang Cheng and Wei Ying turned to each other. There was a hint of amusement in their eyes, just like the old times. Sighing, Jiang Cheng pretended to massage the temples of his forehead. “You don't believe me and you don't believe him. Is it that you'll only believe it when a certain someone says so?”

Yanli laughed. Her cheeks flushed a tinge of pink, colouring her snowy skin. She shook her head again, eager to change the subject. Still smiling, she did a quick twirl, showing Jiang Cheng her hair. “Look what A-Ying did. It looks good, doesn't it?”

Jiang Cheng's lips tugged up. “Hmph, it does. Maybe he's not so useless after all.”

At that, Wei Ying allowed himself to chuckle. If he could ignore how empty this house felt without Uncle Jiang and Aunt Yu, it would almost feel like home again. Jiang Cheng was smiling instead of glaring at him, and Jiejie wasn't crying either. He relaxed his face into a smile of his own, sighing under his breath. He missed this.

Just then, they heard the sudden sound of what could only be Yanli's bridesmaids greeting the groom. They squealed and laughed, already clapping. Wei Ying even heard the distant clicks of cameras and phones flashing.

“Well, it's going to take a while for him to get through all of them,” Jiang Cheng said, smirking as the jeers outside increased in volume.

Yanli laughed again. She looked radiant; it was good to see her being happy. “I hope they're not giving him a hard time.”

“It's their job to give him a hard time,” Wei Ying said, almost tempted to peak out to see what sort of ordeal the bridesmaids were making Jin Zixuan go through. He didn't think he had ever heard this house being so lively. Even when his adopted parents were still here, the loudest noise you could hear was them arguing. In any times of peace, they were careful not to disrupt it, lest it would anger Aunt Yu or disturb Uncle Jiang's work.

“Shall we?” Yanli eventually said.

Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng exchanged glances. Without saying a word, both of them offered their arms for her to hold. She took them, beaming brighter than the sun, and let her brothers lead her out of the room and towards her new husband.

Even with all the bridesmaids blocking and giggling at him, Jin Zixuan's eyes sought out Yanli. His face softened as soon as he spotted her, the most gentlest of smiles gracing his arrogant face. The couple beamed at each other, ignoring the commotion in the room, the world, and it was then that Wei Ying could sigh in relief. Jiejie would be okay with him. She would be happy.

The ceremony itself was a blur. Wei Ying's heart ached at the sight of Yanli and Jin Zixuan offering tea to Uncle Jiang and Aunt Yu's shrine. Although there was nothing but smiles on their faces, Wei Ying could not shake off his thoughts. They should have been there, accepting the tea for themselves. They should have seen their own daughter, head over heels for the man who was dedicating his life to her that very moment. They should have joined in with the photos, laughing at Jin Ling suddenly sneezing as the camera went off. It was a happy day for everyone, but they should have been there.

Everything went fine; the tea ceremony, the exchanging of rings, even the endless photos they had to take with every relative for hours on end. They moved to another venue for the banquet; one large enough to fit all of Jin Zixuan's rich relatives and satisfy them at the same time. Wei Ying knew his father had a habit for sleeping around, but he never realised how much of a habit it was until you were introduced to all of the children he seemingly had. No wonder his wife hated his guts.

The actual venue exceeded all of his expectations and more. You walked into it and you were instantly greeted by a gigantic staircase that must have had over fifty steps. It looked more like a palace rather than a venue. Every corner was decorated in red and gold, each room more lavish than the next. Wei Ying did not want to think how much renting such a place would cost, not that it would be a problem for a rich family such as the Jins.

They spent more hours taking photos in the venue, meeting with each different relatives and feigning friendly greetings with them. Wei Ying's cheeks hurt from all of the smiles he'd been forcing. By the time it was nearing the second hour of being in this venue, he dropped the smiles and stopped caring whether he looked unapproachable.

Things were going smoothly, until the actual banquet when Wei Ying heard the inevitable whispers about him.

It was Jin Zixuan's cousins, sat in a far-away table that Wei Ying could only see from the corner of his eyes. He didn't know who said it, but he heard his name and couldn't block the voices soon enough.

“That's him, isn't it? Wei Ying?”

“The one who was in the accident with Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan?”

“Yes, I heard he was drunk and caused the car to crash. I'm surprised Jiang Yanli even invited him.”

“Of course she did! Her parents brought them up as siblings!”

“And still, he repaid them with their deaths! If I was her, I'd never want to see him ever again.”

Wei Ying found it difficult to breathe. He stood up, leaving his table as quickly as he could. Even as the voices trailed off, he could feel everyone's eyes fixed on him. No amount of smiling in wedding photos could erase the truth. It was his fault, and they all knew that. Jiang Cheng knew that. Deep down, maybe even Jiejie believed it.

He shouldn't care about what other people thought. He wished he could go up to that table and tell them to shut up. Jin Zixuan's relatives were nothing but snobs, only caring about themselves and their money. Their opinions shouldn't matter. It shouldn't.

It doesn't. What mattered was his family, or what was left of it. What mattered was the guilt stirring in his chest, suffocating him until he could no longer breathe or think. What mattered was that he suddenly felt alone in that banquet, surrounded by strangers who were quick to lay the blame on him. What mattered was that he couldn't do this. He should have never decided to come here.

He poured himself a glass of wine, filling it to the brim. In less than a few seconds, he had already drank the whole glass and began to pour himself a new one.

“Stop drinking,” Jiang Cheng's voice came out of nowhere.

Wei Ying's eyebrows furrowed. He didn't stop. “It's not even that much.”

He couldn't see Jiang Cheng's face, content instead to watch the crimson liquid of the wine, letting it distract him until he could no longer think, until he could no longer hear everyone. He could see his reflection on it; tired, bags under his eyes. He was pathetic. Wei Ying shook the glass, his reflection breaking into ripples, and downed the drink once again.

Jiang Cheng sneered. “If you're going to be like this; leave. A-Jie didn't have to invite you.”

“I bet you were telling her not to.”

Wei Ying put the glass away, drinking from the bottle instead. He managed to get one gulp down before Jiang Cheng grabbed his shoulder, forcing Wei Ying to look at him.

“Isn't it bad enough what your stupid drinking has done?” he hissed. “Now you're doing this at A-Jie's wedding?”

Wei Ying's eyes narrowed. “If you don't want me here, just say so.”

Their conversation was starting to get the attention of the relatives around them, already so nosy to begin with. They didn't bother to hide the fact they were craning their necks trying to see what was going on.

Jiang Cheng shifted, purposely turning his back on their audience. He lowered his voice slightly. “What am I supposed to do when you're always drunk? What do you think people say behind your back when they keep seeing how much of a mess you are? How do you think that makes our family look?”

Wei Ying looked over Jiang Cheng's shoulder. He met the eyes of everyone watching, sipping their wine and whispering among themselves.

“I don't care what anyone thinks,” he said.

“What about us then? Do you not care about me and A-Jie!”

“Do you need to ask that? Of course I care!”

Without a warning, Jiang Cheng knocked the bottle of wine off his hands. A series of gasps sounded through the room as the bottle shattered, painting the marble floor with its crimson liquid. Neither of them moved. They stood face to face, glaring, a thousand words evident through their silence.

Jiang Cheng's fists clenched, trembling, as if he wanted to knock some sense into Wei Ying as well. “Then why are you here embarrassing yourself? Why did you even bother to come if you're just going to get drunk! There's already so many rumours about you; how do you expect me to defend you if you carry on doing this!”

The frown on Wei Ying's face deepened. Defend him? Defend him?

“I never asked for you to!” he said, raising his voice just as loud. “There's no need to defend me, just let go!”

Jiang Cheng jerked back. There was a hint of surprise on his face for a second, painting him as a lost child rather than the angry man he tried to be. As quickly as it appeared, it was replaced by a cold gaze. At that moment, he was exactly like his mother when she looked at Wei Ying, when she hated Wei Ying.

All Wei Ying could do was sigh. He looked down at the spilt wine on the floor, unsure if he despised it more than he despised himself.

“Just let go. I can look after myself. I don't need you to do that,” he said.

He didn't want to bring any more hardships to the family. It was already bad enough they lost their parents and it took so long for Jiejie to marry Jin Zixuan. All Wei Ying wanted was for his family to live their life in peace, and for him to be able to live with this guilt. If he could, he would make it up to them. He didn't have anything to offer, but he would find a way. One day. Somehow.

“Oh, I see,” Jiang Cheng said after a while. He was shaking. His fists were white. He looked as livid as he did the night he lost his parents. “Now that you have your new friends, you don't need our family. Now that Mom and Dad are gone, you don't need to stay!”

Wei Ying's eyes widened. “That's not what I meant!”

Jiang Cheng grabbed his collar. “Just let go? Fuck you!” He pushed him with all the strength he had in his body, shoving Wei Ying into a nearby wall. Wei Ying winced, ignoring the throbbing in his shoulder. His eyes burned the same anger as Jiang Cheng's.

“Go then!” Jiang Cheng continued. “See if I care! Don't think about showing your face here ever again, we don't need you!”

The urge to punch him was strong, but it went away as soon as he heard Jiejie's voice through the aching in his head.

“A-Cheng! A-Ying!” she called, rushing to them. “Stop this!”

Wei Ying couldn't bare to see the disappointment in her eyes. He spun around, eager to leave the venue. Jiang Cheng's words ran around in circles in his mind until it was all he could hear. We don't need you. That was right! He knew that all along! He would just go, leave them in peace just as they wanted!

He rushed to the exit, ignoring the footsteps that followed him. He knew it would just be Jiang Cheng, telling him he was stupid and useless. He didn't need to fight with him anymore, he was so tired. He saw the large staircase leading downstairs, quickening his steps only so he could leave this suffocating place.

A hand grasped his shoulder.

Wei Ying flinched.

We don't need you.

He pushed them off with all the strength he had left. A gasp pierced through his thoughts, too high to be Jiang Cheng's, and pulled him back to reality. Jiejie's wide eyes were the last thing he saw before her feet slipped and she went tumbling down the stairs.

Wei Ying couldn't reach out in time. Every limb in his body turned numb as he watched her fall down those fifty steps. Around him, screams and gasps of horror deafened his ears, but he still heard the sickening crack as Yanli landed at the bottom, her head slamming against the marble floor.

“A-Li!”

Jin Zixuan pushed past him, sprinting for his wife. By the time he reached her, there was already a growing puddle of blood where her head laid, staining her dress even redder than it already was. Wei Ying remained by the top of the stairs, staring down at them. Jin Zixuan was shouting for someone to call the ambulance. Jiang Cheng was beside him, begging his sister to open her eyes. Somewhere in the crowd, Jin Ling was crying at the top of his lungs.

What...? What was going on?

Had he done this? Was that his fault? Had he pushed her down?

Shaking, Wei Ying looked down at his hands.

Why? Why did this happen? Why did he do this?

 

- x -

 

They rushed to the hospital. Wei Ying's memory of the last time he was here was still fresh in his mind, only now he was one of the people waiting. He couldn't focus on anything else. Everything spun around him and time no longer followed its course. He didn't know if he'd been waiting for an hour, or for a whole day. All he could see was the image of Jiejie on the marble floor, laying in a puddle of blood just like his parents did the night they died.

They waited, and waited. As day blended into night and Wei Ying thought he would vomit from the anxiety, the doctor appeared before them with a grave look on his face. He was saying all sorts of things, talking too fast. All Wei Ying could hear was that Jiejie wasn't waking up. She wasn't responding.

The doctor promised they would do whatever they could in their power to help her. It was a trembling rope to cling on, but Wei Ying hung onto it, desperate to see his sister walking out of this hospital. He kept his eyes on the doctor as he left, praying to whatever deity was up there that they would let her survive. Please.

For the first time since they entered the hospital, Jiang Cheng looked at him. His eyes were red and swollen, now narrowing as he approached Wei Ying with shaking fists.

Wei Ying didn't try to move away when Jiang Cheng punched him right in the face.

“Get the fuck out of here!” he screamed. “You heard me, get out! Don't ever show your face ever again!”

His jaw throbbed. He didn't allow himself to move, simply remaining where he stood like the pathetic man he was.

“Haven't you done enough? First my parents and now A-Jie! Haven't you done enough!”

Wei Ying's eyes watered. He frantically shook his head, reaching for Jiang Cheng. “I-I'm sorry. It was an accident. I never meant to—”

“Shut up!” Jiang Cheng pushed him away. “If she dies.... If she dies!”

Hands shot up to grab him by the neck. Wei Ying choked, struggling as Jiang Cheng shoved him against the wall, squeezing his throat tighter and tighter. There was nothing but hatred in Jiang Cheng's eyes. He didn't look like he would hesitate to snap Wei Ying's neck right there and then.

“Stay away,” he hissed. “Stay away from my family from now on. We don't want you. Stay away!”

His hands tightened. Wei Ying gasped. Black spots danced in his vision.

“Stop it!”

Too soon, Jiang Cheng's grip slipped off him. He collapsed against the wall, gasping for breath, and opened his eyes to the sight of Jin Zixuan holding Jiang Cheng back.

Jiang Cheng thrashed and shook his fist, aiming for Jin Zixuan's face. He missed, screaming loud enough for his voice to echo through these white walls. “Why are you defending him! What kind of a fucking husband are you?!”

Jin Zixuan winced at his words, but nevertheless didn't let Jiang Cheng go. He refused to look at Wei Ying, squeezing his eyes shut. His hands were unsteady. It was only then that Wei Ying noticed the lone tear sliding down his cheek before he angrily wiped it away.

“A-Li wouldn't want you two to fight,” he said quietly.

Jiejie's name was like water dousing Jiang Cheng's flames. He broke into a sob and weakly pushed Jin Zixuan off. He wasn't looking at Wei Ying anymore. Every sob he let out may as well have been a stab to the chest.

“If I ever see you again,” Jiang Cheng said, voice shaking. “I swear I'll kill you myself.”

Wei Ying, like the coward he was, could say nothing to that. He looked at the man he called a brother, his closest friend, the one he thought would stay by his side until they grew old. He looked at Jiang Cheng and saw there was nothing else he could do, that he had done enough to ruin his life. Wei Ying, like the coward he was, turned around and ran away.

He ran as fast as he could, out of that room, out of that hospital, out into the dark streets where the rain hit his face and soaked him to the bone. Even as he continued to run in that weather, no tears escaped him. He ran and ran, not knowing where else he could go, who else he had left. He ran until he tripped and the cement greeted him. He screamed and punched the ground, ignoring the blood now painting his knuckles.

It was Jiejie's wedding. It was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, the beginning to her new family. He could still remember her smiles and laughter earlier today, the way she twirled when she showed her dress to them.

What had he done?

As he knelt there in the rain, it dawned on him that he was truly alone. His real parents were dead. Uncle Jiang and Aunt Yu were gone. Jiejie was in hospital, her future uncertain. Jiang Cheng, more than anything, wanted him dead.

Wei Ying shook and trembled. He clawed at the ground, bowing his head. Why did everyone have to leave? Why did they leave him?

Never ever let anyone get rid of your smile.

I'm sorry, Wei Ying wanted to tell his mother. I can't do this.

His eyes stung. Finally, everything shattered and he burst into tears.

 

- x -

 

Jiang Yanli had fallen into a coma. Day and night, the doctors did everything they could for her but she remained unresponsive. They didn't know when she would wake up, if she would ever wake up.

As the accident happened in front of every relative connected to her and Jin Zixuan, Wei Ying was shunned from the family. Jiang Cheng's vows that he would kill him if he ever saw him again rang in his head. Whether true or merely a threat, Wei Ying did not challenge it. He stayed away from the Jiangs and the Jins. It was the least he could do.

The months passed, and still, Yanli did not wake up.

Wei Ying had nothing left to do but to wait.

The pulsing lights and blaring music around him gave him a headache. He chewed on his nails, glancing around the crowded nightclub, trying to see where Huaisang had disappeared off to. He'd probably gone off with some random guy by now, too drunk to remember he even came with Wei Ying into this club in the first place.

Sighing, Wei Ying reached for his drink and downed the rest, ignoring the burning in his throat. It had been a while since he had gone out drinking. Somehow, Huaisang managed to convince him tonight, telling him he needed to stop sulking in his apartment and have fun for once.

Fun was the last thing he was having at the moment. A headache maybe, but not fun.

He gazed at his empty drink. That wasn't nearly enough.

In the back of his mind, he could hear Jiang Cheng's disapproval as he beckoned the bartender to serve him another, stronger drink, the strongest in the house. It didn't matter anymore. He was doing everything he could to stay away from the Jiangs, making sure he would no longer harm them. Whatever happened to him didn't matter at all. Not to him, not to anyone.

He took a sip of his new glass, blanching at the horrid taste that invaded his mouth. That was vile. If he didn't know any better, the bartender had given him poison.

Still, he did ask for the strongest drink he could get.

Wei Ying knocked back the glass, choking as the burning sensation gushed down his throat. He only took one gulp so far and, already, everything was blurring—but he was sure that was because of the awful taste. He took more drinks, each one not as unbearable as the last. The more he drank, the more he got used to the taste. He no longer felt like gagging by the time he finished the whole thing. Instead, he stretched his arms and got up from the seat, scanning the club once again.

The colours were brighter. The music was louder. Huaisang was still nowhere to be seen, but that was okay. Wei Ying would pass the time by himself just fine. He called for the bartender again, asking for the same drink.

He stopped counting how many drinks he bought after that. The bartender wasn't joking around. He really gave Wei Ying the strongest one in the house! It came to a point that he could no longer finish his current glass, pushing it away in defeat and stumbling away from the bar.

Around him, everything was glowing, flashing like a heartbeat in the night. He couldn't hear anything over the deafening music, not even what this man was saying as he bumped into Wei Ying and dragged him into the dance floor. He didn't know who the man was, he'd never seen him before in his entire life. He looked just like anyone else; tall, dark hair, dark eyes, a nose that had likely been broken in the past. He smelt of alcohol and cigarettes; he had a boyish grin as he grabbed Wei Ying's waist and pulled him closer.

“What's your name?” he asked.

Wei Ying could barely find his voice. “Wei Ying.”

He thought he heard the man introduce himself as well, but the name didn't stick to his mind. He smiled and danced in tune to the music, letting the alcohol swimming in his head guide his limbs. The man's hands roamed over his skin, drawing circles around Wei Ying's waist, trailing down and squeezing his ass.

He gasped. He didn't know who moved first but his mouth was crushed against this stranger's, teeth knocking, tasting vodka and nothing but vodka in his tongue. Wei Ying's eyes fluttered close and he allowed the man to grind against him, moaning into his mouth.

Some part of Wei Ying still sober reminded him this wasn't how he wanted his first kiss to go.

He pushed it aside and told himself he didn't care. All he focused on was the rush in his head, the pleasure pooling in his gut as this man's hands continued to roam all over his body. They pulled away, panting. Wei Ying gazed at him from under his eyelashes and licked his swollen lips. He wanted more. He never wanted this feeling to end.

The rest of the night was a void. He remembered getting more drinks, laughing until his eyes watered and his cheeks ached. He remembered stumbling into a room that didn't belong to him, fumbling to take off his clothes. He straddled the man under him and smiled with a confidence he didn't even know belonged to himself. Everything spun and spun and spun. Large hands kept him in place, stroking his back and convincing him, at that time, that it was gentle and safe. Wei Ying took deep breaths and allowed himself to get lost in this feeling.

Then, time rushed. In the middle of it all, he realised he was naked and he was losing his virginity to a man whose name he couldn't even remember. He pushed it all aside and focused on the heat threatening to overcome him, moaning as loud as he could to drown out all of his worries. Tomorrow could wait. For now, he rode the man's dick and threw his head back, begging him to take him harder, make him forget who he was.

 

- x -

 

He woke up around five AM, to the sound of snores that he had never heard of before. Wei Ying's stomach lurched at the sight of the unknown man curled against him, a heavy arm wrapped around his waist. He sat up, staring around the dark room. He could make out the faint bruises now forming on his thighs and waist, the dried splatters of cum all over his body. Slowly, he took a deep breath and slipped out of bed, gathering his clothes with shaking hands.

He didn't know how, but he managed to find his way back home. He threw himself into the bathroom in time, puking out everything. It felt like something was pounding against his skull and flames were stirring in his gut. Wei Ying slumped against the toilet until there was nothing left in his stomach, until the bathroom was spinning and he wanted to die.

“Wei Ying...?”

Wen Ning peeked into the bathroom, gasping as soon as he saw him.

“Wei Ying!” he called, rushing to his side. “What happened?”

Wei Ying shook his head, groaning. He could barely last two more seconds until he was trying to vomit again. With nothing left in his stomach, he was only heaving and quivering. There was sweat dripping down his forehead—and the pounding just wouldn't stop.

“Y-You don't look good! I'll call my sister!”

He didn't have any strength to ask who the fuck his sister was, and why the hell he thought she could help him at five in the morning. He heaved even more, spitting and spluttering.

Wen Ning's sister arrived quickly, although she made no effort to hide how annoyed she was.

“You called me for this?” she snapped, gesturing towards Wei Ying's pathetic figure still bent over the toilet. “To help a drunk?!”

“He's my friend!” Wen Ning said. “Jiejie, I'm worried about him!

“What kind of friends do you have?! I told you to stay out of trouble and turns out you've been living with an alcoholic all these years!”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Wei Ying did his best to block them out his head. He flitted in and out of consciousness, no longer caring that he was still here embracing the damn toilet. When he opened his eyes again, he was on his own bed. Wen Ning's sister leaned over him, enveloping his room with the scent of citrus and cinnamon. She was muttering to herself, too quiet for Wei Ying to hear, and laid a cool hand on his forehead before flicking him between his eyebrows.

“Ow!” he jolted, shaking himself awake.

“You're alive,” she said. Her voice didn't sound happy about it. “Next time, try not to drink your body weight in alcohol. Are you stupid?”

Wei Ying struggled to get up. He moaned, clutching his head, immediately feeling a pair of soft hands helping him into a sitting position. He looked to his side, frowning at the familiar timid expression Wen Ning had on his face.

“Are you okay? You didn't look too good last night,” Wen Ning said, rubbing his back.

“Five AM in the morning!” his sister added. “You better be okay!”

Honestly, he felt like shit. They could tell him he had been thrown off a cliff and left for dead and he would have believed them.

“Thank... Thank you,” he said, turning to Wen Ning's sister. “I'm sorry for causing you trouble.”

She folded her arms, looking down at him as if he was just a bug. With Wen Ning beside her, it was almost funny how both of them were the complete opposite of each other. His roommate had mentioned he had a sister before, that she was a hard-working doctor with a passion for helping others. Wei Ying had expected someone more like Jiejie, not this glaring woman right in front of him who looked like she'd sooner punch him in the face than save his life.

“Who are you?” she suddenly asked.

For some reason, it felt like he was introducing himself to a very displeased parent. Couldn't they do this another time? He was still hungover as fuck and his memories from last night weren't exactly giving him a good time either.

Wei Ying glanced at Wen Ning, who seemed like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“Well?” his sister pressed on.

He sighed. “I'm Wei Ying. And you?”

Her eyebrows furrowed together. “Wen Qing.”

Wen Ning looked between them, fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper. He stuttered to his sister, something inaudible that only made her direct her glare at him.

“Stop mumbling! And why are your hands shaking? What's wrong with you! Are you going to die!”

The more she yelled, the more Wen Ning stuttered and shook. It would have been funny if Wei Ying's head wasn't currently splitting into two.

Nevertheless, their presence in his room helped him stop thinking about what happened last night. He was stupid for getting carried away, he knew that, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it.

It wasn't like he deserved any better.

 

- x -

 

Wei Ying dropped out of university. It was during his final year, when he couldn't focus on his exams no matter how long he stared at his notes, that he realised he shouldn't be here anymore. He took this degree in the hopes of making Uncle Jiang proud. Did that matter now? Wasn't it too late to do that?

Henceforth, he quit, just like that. Wen Ning did everything he could to convince him to stay, but he didn't know how stubborn Wei Ying could be. He continued to share apartments with his shy friend, at least until Wen Ning graduated and decided he wanted to do something more than just stick with Wei Ying's drunken breakdowns every evening.

A year passed and Yanli was still in a coma. Wei Ying had made a habit of going out to get drunk, sleeping with anyone that took his mind off things. It was a good thing he'd given up on his degree; Uncle Jiang was likely ashamed of him already.

He hadn't spoken with Jiang Cheng ever since. According to what people said, he landed himself a job at the police station. Good for him, Wei Ying thought. As for Jin Zixuan, he carried on with his family business, visiting Yanli every day. Wei Ying had not spoken to him either, but he rarely interacted with the man in the first place. There was hardly any difference.

He only knew what was going on because of an unexpected acquaintance. Jin Zixuan's younger half-brother, Mo Xuanyu, was quite chatty if you bumped into him at the local café.

"Da-ge is thinking of moving his wife to America.”

Wei Ying choked on his coffee. He coughed, wincing as the hot liquid scalded his throat. As the seconds passed by, Mo Xuanyu handed him a napkin.

Ignoring it, Wei Ying repeated what he had said. Jin Zixuan was thinking of moving Jiejie to where now?

“Why?” he asked. “Why would he do that? Why America?”

“Well, you know how our father has connections in America... We lived for a bit there, you see. Dad knows a really good private hospital that can take better care of her.”

He knew the Jins often moved back and forth America, but was moving Yanli there really necessary? Would it help?

He took another sip of his drink, not knowing what else he could say.

“It's for the best, I think,” Mo Xuanyu continued, unaware of Wei Ying's hurtling thoughts. “I think Da-ge is making the right decision.”

Whether it was the right decision or not, what Wei Ying was more concerned about was that Yanli wouldn't be here with them anymore. He had not dared to visit her ever since the accident, but the thought she was still there in that hospital fighting for her life was somewhat a comfort, rather than thinking she was completely gone.

What would happen if she were to move to the other side of the world?

It was selfish to want to be near her, especially when he couldn't ever show his face around her family ever again.

Wei Ying was a selfish and useless man, but everyone already knew that.

He sighed, setting down his drink. He suddenly wanted to go back home, hidden in his bedroom where he could get rid of this fake smile he was now forcing on his face.

“Yeah, you're right,” he said, nodding. “It's a good idea.”

And so, they moved Jiejie to America. More months passed and nothing changed, not as far as Wei Ying could tell. A naïve, hopeful part of him thought that, maybe, if they moved her there, she'd somehow wake up and everything would be okay again. Of course, a single change of environment wasn't going to wake her up from a coma. He didn't know what would anymore.

The months turned into more months. Another year began and ended. Wei Ying was twenty three when he got the crazy idea of going to America, just to see his sister.

“You're crazy,” Wen Qing said at the airport. “Have you even been to America before? Do you know where she is?”

“Of course I do, Xuanyu told me.”

Wen Ning clung onto his suitcase, insisting he held it until it was time to board. He kept looking around him, fiddling with the handle. Wei Ying knew he hated large, crowded places like this, and still he wanted to go and say goodbye before he left. It warmed his heart.

“How long will you be gone...?” Wen Ning asked. “It's going to be quiet in the apartment without you.”

Wen Qing scoffed. “Good! Maybe then I won't have to look after his drunken ass anymore!”

She was charming as always. Wei Ying blew her a kiss, obviously causing her to scowl even more. Wen Qing elbowed him in the guts, her medical precision finding the exact place where it would hurt the most. He whined in pain, clutching his ribs and exaggerating it until people walking by looked at him with concerned eyes.

“When is your plane arriving? The sooner you're gone, the better,” Wen Qing muttered. She looked like she was tempted to elbow him again.

Wei Ying glanced at the time. “In twenty minutes. And don't say that, I know you'll miss me. If not you, then I know Wen Ning will.”

“Oh,” Wei Ying said, realising he hadn't answered Wen Ning's question at all. “Wen Ning, I don't know how long I'll be staying. Probably not for long.”

Wen Ning nodded silently, looking down at his feet.

Wei Ying didn't plan this trip very well. The only reason he was going was to visit his sister without having to worry about Jiang Cheng finding out—and if he did, what could he do? Swim across the Pacific Ocean and stop him? It was a selfish reason and he knew he would only hate himself afterwards. He promised to stay away from their family as much as he could, and now here he was, flying off to America just to visit Yanli.

Just once, he told himself. He needed this, just once.

 

- x -

 

America gave him an even bigger headache. Mo Xuanyu directed him to a friend who needed someone else to share the rent for their house. Apparently, this person lived in Gusu as well, but decided to study in America to get their Masters. That sounded smart enough for Wei Ying.

He didn't know what he expected from his new roommate. It was safe to say, his experience in life meant he didn't have very high expectations anymore. Therefore, it was completely fine when his new roommate answered the door in nothing but pyjama bottoms and a stained t-shirt. He even had slippers that had patterns of... cucumbers, or whatever the fuck those things were.

“You're Xuanyu's friend?” the man said. Wei Ying stopped looking at his weird slippers and nodded. This man couldn't have been older than thirty. The bed hair and deep eye bags definitely helped in giving him that mid-life crisis look. Big mood, Wei Ying thought. He was already finding similarities with this guy. “I'm Shen Yuan. I used to tutor Xuanyu back in school but all he did was tell me about his crushes.”

“That sounds exactly like him,” Wei Ying muttered. “I'm Wei Ying. Thanks for letting me share your house.”

Sharing a house with Shen Yuan wasn't so bad. The man barely left his room. If he did, it'd be at midnight when he raided through the fridge, grabbing whatever was left on the shelves. Wei Ying was pretty sure half the food he ate was close to expiring, but the man wasn't dead yet so that counted for something. Shen Yuan didn't look like he gave a shit. He could die from food poisoning and he'd most likely just shrug and play it cool.

Whatever, it wasn't his business what Shen Yuan did in his spare time. Wei Ying wasn't here for him.

He eventually gathered the courage to go to the hospital. He managed to get to the entrance of the large building before his hand froze on the door and he wondered if he could really do this.

Jiejie was there because of him. How many years has it been now? Two? Two years she had missed in her life, all because of him. Two years she could never get back. She wouldn't have been able to witness Jin Ling growing up from a little baby and into a toddler. The sister he adored and admired... After everything she did for him, Wei Ying repaid her by pushing her down the stairs.

What was he doing here? He withdrew his hand, looking around him at all of the people entering and leaving the building. Some were workers; some were relatives like him, eager to visit their loved ones. Most of them were in groups, carrying gifts. He doubted any of them were the reason why their loved one was in hospital in the first place. He doubted any of them carried the same crimes he had done over the years.

Wei Ying was a selfish man, yes, but on top of that, he truly was a coward.

He turned around and walked away as quickly as he could. Jiejie would be better off without his presence anyway.

His main reason for coming here was to visit Yanli, but he didn't know why he decided to stay in America for almost a year in the end. Shen Yuan's boyfriend owned a restaurant where Wei Ying was lucky enough to work there as a waiter to help pay for his rent. At that time, he was glad for any type of distraction, anything to help get his mind off the fact Yanli was in the same city as him, still stuck in that coma.

It was fine, at first. He got used to the monotonous lifestyle of waking up, working, drinking, sleeping. Every day was the same. He expected nothing less, nothing more. On weekends, he'd stumble through the streets drunk off his mind, giggling in some man's arms and convincing him to fuck him for the night. Wei Ying began to find comfort in sex; the rush that made him forget who he was, where he was. He liked the empty compliments they'd give him, telling him he was a good boy; as if they knew anything about his life to begin with. For that single night, he could pretend he was someone else. He could pretend his whole life felt just as good as this dick shaping him, fucking him raw until he blacked out and was thrown back into harsh reality.

Rinse, and repeat. It was like that for months on end. At some point, Wei Ying saw his life laid out before him; working at a job that didn't give him any sort of satisfaction, drinking himself stupid every night, sleeping with countless men that all blurred together into forgotten faces. Was this all there was? Was he really born into this world, just to live for this?

No. He didn't want that. As much as he hated himself, he didn't want that.

“Where are you going?” Shen Yuan asked, watching as Wei Ying struggled to lift his suitcase through the cramped corridor.

“Back home,” Wei Ying said. He couldn't bring himself to look at Shen Yuan in the eyes. “To Gusu.”

There was silence at first. Shen Yuan nodded, adjusting his glasses back up on his nose.

“Good,” he said. “I hope you're happier in Gusu.”

Wei Ying gritted his teeth. He didn't know what to say to that. In the several months he'd spent with Shen Yuan, they didn't speak much, especially not about personal matters. The sympathy in the older man's eyes was almost unbearable.

I hope so too, Wei Ying wanted to say. “Thank you for letting me stay here,” he said instead. “It's been nice knowing you. Say thank you to Luo Binghe as well, please. I appreciate all of the help you two have given me.”

Shen Yuan offered him a rare smile, nodding again.

Wei Ying left without looking back.

 

- x -

 

Gusu was the same as always. It never changed. Wei Ying, also, did not change. He drank more. It became a challenge now. Every night, he'd drink more than the last, just to see how much he could take. He moved out of his apartment with Wen Ning and got one of his own; the only reason being that he couldn't stand to see Wen Ning worrying about him every night.

He continued to sleep around with just about anyone; men, women, it didn't matter to him. As long as they made him feel good, that was all he wanted. Before they woke up, he'd make sure to leave, finding his way back home where he could hate himself just a little bit more and more as each day passed.

Nothing changed. Nothing ever would.

Wei Ying was twenty five, and he'd already had enough of what life had to offer him. Even the sex that used to give him comfort felt like something that should be part of his schedule instead. No matter how much he begged them to fuck him harder, faster, it no longer made him forget. He would close his eyes shut, tears threatening to brim over, screaming inside his head that why, why didn't this feel good anymore? Why couldn't he even have this?

“Faster,” Wei Ying begged, clawing at the man's back. “Please, faster—harder. Just fuck me! Don't stop, please, don't stop!”

They went faster, harder, grunting into his ear. They crushed him against the bed, pounding inside him until his bones hurt and his head spun, until he was screaming and his eyes rolled back. Even when he came, all he felt was the disgusting shame that this was all he was, all he ever could be. The man slumped against him, his dick slipping out of Wei Ying's hole, already snoring away without a care.

Wei Ying laid there, staring at the wall opposite him. The wallpaper was peeling off and the room smelt of cigarettes, sweat, and sex. He wanted to be sick.

Deep breaths. He took three deep breaths, and then swung his legs over the bed. Standing up made the room spin, but staying was not an option. He gathered his clothes, putting them back on with trembling hands. He saw the bottle of wine left on the floor and drank the rest of it, welcoming the bitter pain shaking his surroundings. The man on the bed was still snoring on his bed. What was his name again? It didn't matter.

Wei Ying hurried to leave, only freezing when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. He was thin and pale, dark bags under his swollen eyes. His lips were chapped from his habit of chewing them when he grew anxious, which seemed non-stop these days. He felt dirty. He could still feel the cum sticking to his skin, even if he had done all he could to scrub it off before he left the bed. He was pathetic. Ugly. In the background, he could see the figure of that stranger still asleep, having already forgotten his existence.

The shame ate him away. A sob built up in his throat. He covered his mouth to muffle it, running out of that room, that building. He ran into the streets, ignoring the tears now wetting his cheeks. How pathetic! Why was he crying? Didn't he already accept this was all there was? Why was he crying?!

He ran. He didn't go to his home, but he kept running. When he reached the house, he knocked so hard his knuckles ached. He knocked again and again and again—

“I'm coming, I'm coming! What is it?”

Wen Qing opened the door, glaring at him. As soon as he saw her face, his shoulders shook and Wei Ying could only cry harder.

“W-Wei Ying?” She looked around, as if expecting someone to come after him. “What's wrong? Hey, why are you crying?”

“What... What am I supposed to do?” he sobbed. “Can you tell me what I'm supposed to do?”

He didn't know what he was saying. He slumped against her and let the void lull him into sleep. The last thing he heard was the sound of her calling his name, asking him if he was okay.

Wei Ying swam in and out of consciousness. The smell of citrus and cinnamon guided him back to reality; Wen Qing's hand stroking his damp hair, her voice, strangely softer than it usually was, telling him to wake up and drink some water. He fluttered his eyes open, first seeing the ceiling above him. His head was laying on her lap and it took him a few moments to realise the fluffy thing rubbing against his feet was her cat, Puyi.

Groaning, Wei Ying struggled to sit up. He let her help him lay his back against the couch, lifting a glass of water to his lips. Wei Ying drank it, keeping his eyes on the ginger cat now stretching on the table.

Once he finished the whole glass, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He could feel Wen Qing's gaze on him, as if convinced he would collapse at any second. The fact she wasn't yelling at him right now only told him he'd gone too far this time.

He heard her sigh. “What are you doing to yourself?” she said.

Wei Ying looked down. “I don't know... I don't care.”

“You can't live like this, Wei Ying.”

What if I don't want to live?

He clenched his jaw. He almost said it out loud. Almost. But he'd already burdened Wen Qing enough. She didn't need him dumping his emotional turmoil onto her as well.

Wen Qing sighed again. Perhaps she knew what he was going to say. She'd always been good at reading his thoughts.

“Things will get better, Wei Ying, but only if you allow it to.”

She rose, gathering her tray and leaving for the kitchen. He was left to mull over her words, thinking over them as if they were a different language.

 

- x -

 

The years were relentless, and so was life. After his talk with Wen Qing, Wei Ying tried his best drink less. He also stopped sleeping with strangers; an easier feat than his goal to quit alcohol. He didn't miss it. He was glad to forget the lingering touches of strangers who pretended to care about him.

Shen Yuan returned to Gusu with Luo Binghe. They opened up a restaurant somewhere in the city, and word has it that the food there was unlike any other. Wei Ying spared a visit one day, greeting the older man with a smile that felt easier to force onto his face. They exchanged words; Shen Yuan told him he moved back to Gusu because he'd been given the opportunity to become a headmaster to one of Gusu's newer schools. It was definitely a stark contrast to the memory of him walking around with cucumber patterned slippers.

“I could offer you a job, if you want,” he said.

Wei Ying failed to hide the shock on his face. “Me? A teacher?”

“Well, some training would do you well first. Afterwards, if you're good, you can start teaching.”

Shen Yuan's last words in America rang in his head. I hope you're happier in Gusu.

He's only pitying you, Wei Ying told himself.

He looked away from Shen Yuan's gentle gaze. He wanted to refuse. He didn't want to rely on others, not anymore, not if he couldn't repay them with something else other than pain.

“Just training for now,” Shen Yuan said. “Think about it.”

How could he allow himself to take this chance? How could he live with this guilt? Even if things, somehow, got better, he would never be able to forget the memory of being in that car, or in that wedding. He couldn't live with this.

Uncle Jiang's voice passed his thoughts like a sudden breeze, gentle and welcomed. Attempt the impossible, he would say. Don't ever give up.

Taking a deep breath, Wei Ying lifted his gaze and met Shen Yuan's.

“I'll do it,” he said. “Thank you for the offer.”

 

- x -

 

At the age of thirty-three, Wei Ying wouldn't say he was happy, not even content. He was living, that was for certain, and it was enough for now. Teaching helped a lot in distracting him; when he was in the classroom, he could focus instead on making sure these children were set to have better lives. For once, he was actually helping people instead of ruining them. Accepting Shen Yuan's offer was one of the best things he could have done for himself.

Nevertheless, life carried on in its dreary path. Gusu did not change. He did not change. Nothing would ever change.

Wei Ying scribbled notes on his book, planning his lessons ahead. In the corner of his eyes, he could see Lan Sizhui sitting by the window, watching the rain pour endlessly as it always did. The pitter-patter of raindrops soothed him; he tapped his feet along to their sound, writing more plans as the hour went on. He barely stuck to these plans; he was the type to improvise on the spot, but it gave him something to do, something to think about.

A knock on the door halted his thoughts. Wei Ying finished the sentence he was writing first, his handwriting almost illegible. With a tired sigh, he put his pen down and looked up.

There was a man standing by the classroom's entrance. He gripped the door and stared at Wei Ying with wide, golden eyes. In them, was an emotion Wei Ying couldn't place. His own heart raced, fast, too fast, that he wondered if the man could hear it from where he was standing. Who was he? Wei Ying had never met him before.

“Wei Ying.”

The voice rippled his surroundings. Wei Ying blinked. He rose, frowning at the man now fading before his very eyes. He wants to call out, to ask who he is and why it feels like he has seen his face before.

“Wei Ying.”

The man disappears. Wei Ying does not know his name and he can't call him back. The memories slip from his fingers like sand and he is out of time.

“Wei Ying. Wake up.”

Wei Ying jolts. His eyes snap wide open and he jerks up on the bed, panting, shaking. There is sweat rolling down his forehead and tears blurring his vision. He can't hear anything through the sound of his own shuddering, the sickening rampage of his heart threatening to escape his chest.

Warm hands stroke his back. “It is okay. You are awake.”

He struggles to calm his breaths. The seconds turn into minutes and he's still shaking. Lan Zhan doesn't stop rubbing circles on his back, wiping the sweat away from his forehead and tucking his hair behind his ears. The actions are gentle, like he's scared Wei Ying will shatter any second now.

Wei Ying lets a sob escape him. It's hard to tell whether he wants to cry or to laugh, but he allows his eyes to brim over with tears and his lips to spread into a smile.

As easily as that, Lan Zhan's arms tighten around him. He frowns, leaning down to gauge at his face.

“What is wrong?” he asks.

Wei Ying can only shake his head. “Nothing,” he says. “Nothing. I'm just so... relieved.”

“Relieved?”

He isn't alone. After everything life threw at him, he isn’t alone, at least not for now. He lets out another shuddering breath and buries his face into Lan Zhan's chest, unsure if the sounds coming out of him are sobs or laughter.